I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
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