there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I supernannyed him into submission
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
