he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I would ride that face into the sunset
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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