the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
