whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
