I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
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