my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
