This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Randomize
