so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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