guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
