You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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