i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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