you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
