There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
