Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
