some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
She needs sedatives and a leash
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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