I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
