I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
