that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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