I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
