I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
