You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
