What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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