i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
