Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Randomize
