you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
