I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
