you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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