I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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