There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
