Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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