tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
