Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
bring money and cleavage
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
