Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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