i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
