You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
