I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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