the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
