You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
