Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
