I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
