I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
