so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
