plz talk dirty to me
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
