awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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