my soul wont recognize me after tonight
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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