My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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