His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
