Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Randomize
