I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
