shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
