We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
